Category: Ponderances

For questions I can’t seem to find the answers to.

Inspiration…

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…that word fell out of someone’s mouth today about me. I inspire people to be bigger than they allow themselves to be. News to me. I felt a little overwhelmed by the thought actually. I often feel like a stick living a quiet life trapped in a quagmire(cool word). Floating through my life not having any real affect on anyone. Funny what we are willing to believe about ourselves. Even stranger to try to accept what others hold onto about you. I know that often I like to hold onto a belief that is untrue. I tell myself I am unworthy. I don’t use that word specifically but the sum of all the other words that scamper around my head add up to UNWORTHY or HOPELESS or something along the lines of “what you want isn’t important”. I am important. I am beautiful. I am Trish. My value as a person is ten times what I believe it is. So why do I tear myself down? why do any of us do it?

There is always someone out there waiting in the wings to tell you bad things about the who that you are. It is something that I wish we as a people could learn to stop doing. Instead of throwing people under a bus why can’t we help them climb on board? be that hand that reaches out to help instead of slap you down? Funny thing about love and kindness it GOES NOWHWERE unless it is shared. In my encounters, with people that run through the valley of my life, I like to say something positive about themselves to them. Novel concept? maybe but I like the smile I get in return. I am honest and kind. I love the people in my life. I care about each one differently and yet the same. They stay in my life which speaks volumes about the type of person I am. Who I can be. People don’t venture into a garden for the bees ( well I am sure some might) they wander in to see the glory of the blooms contained within. People naturally are attracted to beauty. So maybe I am the garden in someone’s life, how cool is that?

Self-worth or an understanding of what you mean to yourself is often pushed aside or buried by people. I do it. You do it. It is ok to be. It is ok to like yourself just as you are. There will never be another you, EVER. Accept every wonderful and dark thing about you;  because this is it. Your show. Your time. A small belief in oneself can lead to such wonderful and amazing adventures.

I think I like inspiring people.

A Girl Named Fox

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Have you ever been someplace that vibrated from the amount of admiration, respect or love for a person? I mean for someone who isn’t a rock star?  I witnessed it up close today for a man I have never actually met.  Two minutes in a reception line does not indeed count, nice try. The number of people I actually knew at the benefit was less than fingers on one hand yet I didn’t feel at odds. I was awed today.

I went to see a girl named Fox today. She is dear to me in ways I can not list here. She has a way about her that makes you feel that you are a better person just for having known her. Recently her family has been through some real crap moments due to an illness of a loved one. I have been worried about her. A true friend is someone who wants nothing from you but everything for you. I want all the awesome things about life to be there for her and her family but I can’t promise these things or even fix the stuff that is wrong. It breaks my heart. I wish I could take all the pain, fear and doubt away. I can only give of my heart, my hopes, and my support. I jokingly tell her she is part of my Framily, but I mean it. You are blessed if you can say that you have family and friends in your life that care about you; the whole of you.

I hope you and your family felt the love today.

I Will Love YOU to the Moon and Back

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Inspiration comes from the oddest of places sometimes. A song I hear on the radio, silly things I see on the street as I drive by in my Jeep or a text from my SIL.

Today is a day of two events. The first is Mother’s Day which I am sad to say doesn’t apply to me. Mother’s Day is an event for me. I am sad in a place in my soul that will be forever sad. I never imagined as a little girl that there would be no children for me. I believed foolishly that motherhood was a given.

Barren is such a harsh word for a woman without children. Even deserts have life. Barren sounds like the Moon or some other planetary body devoid of all. I am not that.

Joseph, Kristopher, Courtney, Michaela and Nathan these are MINE. All the children that I love in so many and yet all the same reasons. The parents in their lives, let me be part of their growing up. I like to think that I left a spot on their hearts; that life is wonderful if you live it, that LOVE is the best thing you can ever have, that you just need one person in your corner who will always be there, that will always want the best for you.

Mother’s Day is an event for me because my mom passed away. I miss her.Days like today bring out my regrets of things unsaid, undone and left awry. Days like today make me feel that I am all alone in the world, but it is a lie. I have great people in my life that I love who love me.

The other event in my life today is my eighteenth wedding anniversary. Really? 18? Big D has stuck with me through it all. I tried to set him free after we learned of the “no children” ruling . He told me he loved me, had no intention of leaving. The thing is I never thought I would be that girl. That girl who lived happily ever after. Fairy Tale? There are days when I want to be free but that is me being selfish. I would be lost without Big D. I love him with my whole being, jerk that he is.

 

 

Am I Invisible?

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Did you see that? A blur rushes past and I am not sure what it is I have seen/not seen. Am I invisible? Did that person just talk around me as if I am not in the room? not sentient? not alive? What the hell!?! Ever feel like that? like the person you are on the inside of your mind flies by you? no longer willing to stick around because they’ve been pushed to the back of the line so many times they are not sure they have any value left. Relax I am not invisible or crazy. Even though sometimes I’d liked to be one or the other if only for short spurts of time to get me out of laundry or housework.

There is always someone who thinks they “know” you. Somehow through observation and years of exposure to sides of you, these douche kabobs “think” they KNOW you. It makes me angry. Yes, I may react to certain situations in a scripted predictable way but that doesn’t guarantee the same results time after time. Do you look at me closely? do you see the rage I am barely controlling? would you be so bold if you knew I hated you enough to cause you harm? Most people who “know” me don’t know how dark my dark side is. I like it that way. Not because I am trying to deceive anyone. I am being honest. Each one of us has personality quirks that we are not proud of or want not to draw too much attention to. Isn’t that what make us so intriguing? individual? unique?

Anger is a dangerous emotion to let roam around freely. Perhaps people throw that saying around about “knowing” all about you because they don’t know. They don’t know how to help you through a rough patch. They don’t know how to make you feel safe, wanted, loved. We are all just people floating on the sea of Humanity hoping for a few glimmering minutes in the sun, aren’t we?

The Best Gift That I Ever Got…

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ImageYou were the best gift I ever got = )

Ten years ago today you were alive. I like to believe that you were happy but I have my doubts. It has been ten years since we last laughed, hugged, or shared a moment. YOU meant everything wonderful to me. You were my kid sister. Certain days are harder to live through, like today. Birthdays are supposed to be about celebration. You had the best laugh and the biggest heart. You hugged with your whole being. You hugged with a love I miss.

I saw it as my job to always have your back. You were MY kid sister, right? I hated to see you cry over an injustice or when someone broke your heart. You were the best gift I ever got. Even as kids I thought Mom and Dad had made you just for me. Sisters can be the greatest of blessings. Someone who knows all about you but loves you anyway. Only you could push my limits. You took NONE of my crap. You never gave into my selfish ways. You made me tow my line. I was the older sister but you taught me so much about life. I have so much to thank you for. You helped to shape the person I am. I can’t look at a sunny day and not think of you. You were my best friend.

SNOW Wednesday

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Welcome to New England; Wednesday, February 5, 2014. It is snowing to beat the band. I hate snow. Yes, I said it. Snow for adults is different. It means hard work moving something around that eventually will melt. No prizes there. What do I like about the snow? I like the boots. I have to say I get a little happy because I love breaking out my boots. High on the calf, insulated against cold and waterproof. They can withstand anything. I am omnipotent in my boots. Ok, so maybe there is still a kid in my soul.

I hate what snow takes away from me. I like to be free. Snow means a pinch in my freedom. Snow means staying in until the storm blows by. Snow means being careful as I walk around so I don’t fall and break my leg again. Snow means wearing a big bulky ugly winter coat. Snow means it is not yet Spring. Snow means I am fidgety. I have trouble sitting still. I am not good at relaxing. I am not good at waiting.

In my youth I loved snow, Fear was an unknown as it is to most kids. After all we will live forever, right? My kid sister and I would build snow forts with the boys from our neighborhood. We would sled until our mittens were frozen to our hands and we couldn’t feel our faces anymore. The beauty of youth is how free we really allow ourselves to be. You know you are a grown up when you worry more about the consequence of your actions and less about what a grand time you will have.

Oh to be a kid again and enjoy the snow.

Happiness

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I think if you asked my hubby what kind of a person I am, he might tell you I am a bleeding heart. I am not sure how I even became that way. Perhaps it is because I feel there is too much sadness in the world. Perhaps it is because I wish I could spare the people in my life unhappiness. I want all of my loved ones to be happy as if it is some magical cure to ensure a well-rounded life. Wave a wand, be happy. Next.

But wait…

happiness is a pursuit. Something we all strive for and may never attain. Happiness is intangible. You can’t catch happiness but you can certainly share it. Each of us is responsible for our own happiness. Yet, time and again we lose track of it. Where does it go? Why can’t we keep a firm grip on it? How do we get it back? I think peace and happiness are mates. When you know peace happiness is always right there.

The Uneasiness Of Peace

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The hardest truths to accept are self truths.  Everyone knows the world is round, that birds fly, turtles swim. My own truths? I want to avoid them, lie to myself, be dishonest. I will do most anything but accept the real truths of WHO I am. I was so blinded by emotional pain in my youth, I never planned on any future. I daydreamed of better days never realizing that I needed to take responsibility for myself. Make a plan, work the plan, make my dreams come to light.  I never believed in myself. I never thought I would ever be given the opportunity for “happily ever after”.  Failure has always been my seatbelt, closed in around me giving me the illusion I was being kept from harm. Failure has a way of marrying frustration over dreams not fulfilled and births a child named Discontent.

I taught myself to eat as a coping/comfort mechanism. I wish I hadn’t.  I find that when I am on a downward spiral that I don’t actually remember tasting my food. I have an uncomfortable courtship with love. I eat to fill the void where love should be.  Love should always be given and received no strings attached. Love isn’t meant to be dangled on a string like a prize at a Fair. Love should fill you with a light that no one can dim.

I hunger for acceptance but put little of myself out there for people to know. I have been pushed aside and laughed at too many times. I have few friends. I am not a hugger. If I feel someone is being unreal with me I don’t interact with them ever again. It is time to let go and set myself free.

That One Person

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Everyone needs that one person. You know who I am talking about. That one person who sees through the lies, sees through the fear, sees through the walls you have put up to keep yourself safe. That one person who will hold you accountable for your actions. I have been very blessed to have had three; my kid sister, my hubby, my BFF.

I am sure there have been others that were not fooled by my guises but only these three ever made me face myself. Others have told me of my short comings not out of love but annoyance. Like the casual co-worker who thinks they know how best to fix your life. We all know the truth behind that. People in glass houses shouldn’t own rocks, or throw them either. The only real way to fix your life is to do it yourself.

It is also one of the toughest things you may ever do. In order to fix what you think is wrong with your life, every thing in and around you needs to be looked at and sorted. People tend to do things because the outcome feeds a need. Give a smile to get a smile if you get my drift.  The older I become the more restless I feel. I am not so sure of myself any more. For the first time in my life I feel old. Will I ever be able to let go of the memories of being let down by the adults in my life who should have lifted me up instead of put me in my place?

I want to be able to let go of things that are unhealthy to keep clinging onto, hoping that I will remember them differently. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. Falling down teaches a toddler how to walk. Somehow when we get older we are afraid to fall. Is it because we might not be strong minded enough to try to stand up? to try just one more time? I need to accept that failure on any level is the only true way to know success when I finally achieve it. It is ok to be flawed that what makes each of us unique.

If I Only…

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What was the one experience that completely changed your life? What happened? How did it change your life?

If I Only Knew Then What I Know NOW…

Could have, would have, should have. I am my own worst enemy. I am good at it. I have been beating myself up all of my life; well for most of it anyway.  I dwell on my failures instead of my success.

If only. I often find myself repeating that in my head. If only I had been prettier, smarter, quicker.

If only I had more ambition I could have been… sound familiar?

The truth is I didn’t know then. I am certain I wouldn’t have wanted to know. Who wants to know they will be a fat, unhappy teenager who will grow into a fat, unhappy adult?  that it is a lot harder to walk away from sadness you have been forced to carry around in order to keep peace in a stressful situation? No one’s childhood is made of sunshine and lollipops. Mine was a mess of mental hospitals, medications, psychiatrists and therapy groups. My mother never once got any better. My dad worked all the time. I think he was overwhelmed by the seriousness of my mother’s mental issues.

There were three of us girls. We were left to our own devices.  We learned to eat around the goings on in the house. My mother bought more junk than food. Anything with a Hostess label was a prize; chips, cookies, pizza every payday. My dad is the one who cooked the healthy stuff, which he didn’t do often because he was always working.

I am like a helium balloon let loose to the sky. At first rush of freedom I soar up, up  ,UP but a breeze or a wind current always captures that helium balloon and becomes the master. Self-worth is a difficult concept for me to hold onto. My dream? to be able to nurture myself into something wonderful, amazing and awe inspiring. One day I want to be free. Accept me for who I am just as I am. No more self-hate. Why is it that I can’t accept myself?