Does it Rain in Your Shower?

December 25, 2014December 25, 2014 kidtrish2 Comments

As the stream of hot water cascades down my body I begin to relax. The tension that I have been carrying around in my muscles begins to ease. I stand there with my back against the flow of water. The heat feels amazing and for the first time I cry. It rains in my shower. I am so sad that I can’t share my sorrow. I feel like I have no one to talk to. I have anger I don’t know what to do with. I feel defeated and small. Even when life seems to be moving along a set path the wind changes course and the path moves. Its subtlety goes unnoticed until it blindsides me. I try to pay attention as closely as I can. I am constantly making lists. Dad’s needs, hubster’s needs, my needs. What both households are out of. A list of bills to be paid, when to pay these bills when I can, if I can. The last eight years have not been an easy ride.

Dad’s dementia has pretty much been of a certain level. He is pleasantly confused. More often than not he is happy and a tad confused. He doesn’t know what day of the week it is. He doesn’t remember how my Mom or my kid sister died. My Dad thinks that they are out somewhere having lunch. Who am I to correct him? Ignorant bliss. In my humble opinion, this is the ONE blessing of dementia. On the other hand, he forgets my birthday, holidays, anything of importance. His reality is unlike those around him. His world is only about his wants, his needs, his anger. Dad gets angry. It doesn’t happen often. Usually it is over trivial things that have importance only to him.

I couldn’t find him. I called his apartment that morning on schedule. By 11:15 I was beginning to worry. I called the neighbor. The horror thoughts raced through my mind. Maybe he fell and couldn’t get up; maybe he felt faint and then passed out; maybe he had wandered off: maybe he died. After the fourth ring the neighbor picked up. She scarcely got out a hello before I blurted out, “have you seen my Dad today?” Yes she had. Right before my every morning call he had an episode of weakness and a sudden feeling that he was going to pass out so my Dad( king of can’t remember shit )dialed 911 unassisted. She had tried to get over to his apartment before the first responders came but they beat her to his door. She tried to reach me but my cell went straight to voicemail. After the third try she left a voice message of her own for me to call her ASAP.

The paramedics took him to the hospital ER and thus my life, his life changed forever. He was admitted with the possibility of a mild case of pneumonia. In all likelihood my Dad would be just fine after a few days of meds. He would once again return home to live in harmony with his altered reality. That, however; is not what happened.

My mother died June 11, 2007. I started taking care of my Dad the day of her funeral. Maybe that’s the day his soul gave out. He couldn’t handle that she passed. My Dad loved my mother with his whole being and when she died I think he broke. He has never been quite the same,not for one minute or one second of any day. As time marched on he got a little more forgetful, a little more fearful, a tad bit more frail. I took on more responsibility. I made out the grocery lists. I made sure his pills were matched out correctly. I made out the bills. I took him for haircuts. I took him to all his doctor appointments. I shopped for his clothes. (Yes I have great taste) I took him to church. Just me and Dad against the world. Until this last trip through the ER.

My father, whom I have cared for and loved and did my best to keep safe was being taken away from me. Okay so maybe that’s a little harsh. A case manager and a social worker at our local hospital felt that my Dad was now too frail of body and mind to be allowed to be released on his own recognizance and needed to be remanded to the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. To be placed in a facility with around the clock supervision. Yup, you guessed it, a nursing home.

Once upon a time in a land far far away there lived a giant of a man. My Dad

I can’t lie. I have thought about it. I am getting tired. I am not Wonder Woman. I wanted to fight the good fight. I didn’t want to give up on the man who never gave up on me.

Does in rain in YOUR shower? It does in mine everyday.

The Best Gift You Can Ever Give To Someone Else Is You.

December 4, 2014December 4, 2014 kidtrishLeave a comment

I love the month of October. The weather is still fairly nice. The leaves are turning into a colorful array of wonderfulness. I can still wear shorts even if I have to pair it with a hoodie. I feel calm; like every little thing is right in the world. Somewhere though in the middle of my bliss the depression lurks… as the leaves start to fall off their perches I feel myself descend into the dark part of my soul that I like to keep hidden.

I struggle with my emotions and often I feel I am on the edge of tears. Soon it will be time to turn the clocks back and the long winter will slowly suck all my happiness to the edge of my existence. I hate the darkness of winter. The world is not meant to be viewed in black & white. Wake up in the dark, leave for work in the dark, return home to enjoy 25 minutes of evening shade and then plunge back into darkness. Never ending cycle of the 50 Shades of Grey and not the kinky kind. I spend the long tedious days of winter planning the first burst of Spring.

I have a best friend. She is not only my best friend; she is THE best friend. She listens to me piss and moan. She is brave enough to laugh in my face. She lets me know when I am being a shithead. I enjoy her company. I like to believe she enjoys my company and that I am as important to her as she is to me. Sometimes we go on adventures. Thinking about the places we’ll go and the crazy things we’ll do helps me to push through winter. She has a way of knowing when I am down and somehow always finds a way to make me smile.

...to be a friend is the best gift you can give anyone = ) — …to be a friend is the best gift you can give anyone = )

When the Sh*t Hits the Fan…

November 25, 2014November 25, 2014 kidtrish1 Comment

…it might be wise to have a back up plan. I am planning one now.

Fear. No one likes fear. Not what it can do to you or how it can make you feel small or weak. Recently I have not been feeling up to snuff. As this week moved along my uncold turned to a death knell. As most of my readers know I take care of my Dad, who suffers with dementia. I try to take care of myself, my manchild/husband and my Dad. Sometimes the craziness of my situation takes over and I am no longer in control of the important things, like my health. I haven’t been this ill in a very long time. I know it is my body’s way of telling me to fix things, to pay more attention to it. OK! Message received.

I am talking about fear because it has come in waves this week. Being ill has taken a toll on me. This cold zapped me of all of my energies. It stole my voice. It fogged over my mind. It made me helpless and weak. I struggled to draw breath. Mostly importantly it kept me from attending to the important things in my life that need daily attention. I was unable to get to my Dad for three days. He called the neighbors and begged for bread and milk. He had both but I am sure he thought (in his kaleidoscope reasoning) he needed to stock up in case I failed to return.

I was angry. Not at my Dad but at this COLD. This cold put my Dad into a potentially dangerous situation. His memory is gapped in several places and completely changed or erased in others. He has to be directed in every day tasks or he loses his place. He needs to be guided. I finally made it over there last night. He had peanut butter, jelly and Fluff, Hell, West and crooked. He had jelly in his hair, on his pants, across his face. He was in desperate need of a shower.

I love this pic of Dad and I. You can see how much we look alike.

I cleaned up the kitchen as best as I could and then we moved to the task of getting Dad into the shower. I assure you not a fun task. Dad gets angry when it is shower time. In his mind he is certain he has taken a shower just that morning. I wish that were truth. If I left it to Dad he would rot in the outfit of his choice.

This cold taught me that Dad can longer be left on his own. I have avoided putting my Dad into a nursing home or other such living arrangements for as long as possible. I have had the paperwork for some time now. It is mostly filled out. I have spoken with his primary care doctor. We are both in agreement that he needs to be placed. How do I put aside my fear, my disappointment, my anger in order to find him a place? A safe place. I know no one will ever take care of him like I do. I have to find a way to get over my worries and do what has to be done. I love this man. I have to do what is best for him and for me.

Capable or Culpable ?

October 25, 2014October 25, 2014 kidtrish1 Comment

You decide. On this journey, we all must choose what we are. Capable? Willing? Wanting? Or ?

I make it no secret that I am a semi-active member of Weight Watchers. I say semi-active because while I attend my meeting most weeks I haven’t been “living” the program for a very long time. I could list a bunch of excuses, but really c’mon who wants to hear that BS? Life is an undertaking. The world continues to go on even when you don’t. I am capable. Very as a matter of fact. What I am is not willing. There is a part of me that is unwilling to try to be part of my solution instead of most of my issue. Do you get what I am trying to say? I get lost in the anger of my life. Perhaps anger is not even the correct feeling. I am frustrated. I am sad. I am disappointed. I am overwhelmed. I feel like there is never enough. Enough happiness, enough sunshine, enough love, enough peace, enough of whatever magic ingredient I feel that I am missing. Maybe there isn’t enough of me. I don’t give enough of myself to me so I can be more capable and less culpable.

I overeat that is why I am overweight. Simple. If you put 5lbs of sugar into a 2lb bag the contents will spill out. I am culpable. No one else is to blame for what I have done to my body, to myself. Just me.

What’s next? I think the answer lies in the questions. What do I want for myself? Am I capable? or am I more comfortable in the role of “won’t do”? Do I have enough faith in myself? Am I willing to embrace this program? to come to terms with the fact that left unattended I will always make the wrong choice because it is the easier path? Am I ready?

I need to look at each of the questions. I need to work on finding what works for me and what doesn’t . I need to be more into my success and less in to why I keep faltering. I don’t have all the answers. I will work this journey one moment at a time. I know I can do this. I want this.

Just a Number?

October 12, 2014October 12, 2014 kidtrish1 Comment

As people go I am not a big fan of being thought of as a number. Counted, sorted, relegated to a pile. I am not Borg. Seven of nine or any other combination there of. Having said that I can’t help but wonder about all the ways that we as people put numbers on things to give importance to events, people, places. Is first place all that there is? The end all, be all? There is something to be said for the one who sticks in there and crosses the finish line last. Perseverance, pride in accomplishing a task that one has started but was afraid to undertake. I would much rather have the last slice of cake than the first but that is just how I roll. Last piece for me means there is no way I can keep eating something that I shouldn’t have tasted in the first place. = )

Trying to be that number we set for ourselves can be a scary, daunting task. I have been a WW for seven years. I have been close to my “number” only once. I try not to let the scale define who I am or who I think I should be. The scale only really measures the pull of gravity on your body. We all joke that Gravity is not our friend. She causes wrinkles and sagging. We say Karma is a bitch, go figure.

I hate judgment days. Weigh in days. Tipping the scales or whatever other dreaded name this event has. It is a necessary evil. It can help a person to be brave enough to continue but it can also dash your greatest hopes and make you face truths you just don’t want to see. I am the one responsible for my own success not that scale. I put in the work, or some days not. I am the one.

I am more than a number.

I am trying to make peace with a bad coping mechanism that I foolishly taught myself. Feed a hungry child? Yes, but NEVER teach someone to soothe bad feelings with a cookie. It is a BAD idea. A hug, a real hug and some encouraging words take a person a lot farther than a chocolate cake ever carried anyone. My greatest hope? Some day I will wake up and live in my moment. Enjoy every wonderful and horrible thing that comes my way without THINKING about eating a bag of chips “to take my mind off” the unpleasantness of my moment.

On The Road

October 11, 2014January 10, 2015 kidtrishLeave a comment

I find myself on a road that I am all too familiar with. I feel angry, confused and just a little like a balloon with a pinhole leak. I don’t handle my anger well. I obsess about all of the details that have lead up to my anger. It takes all of my concentration to let go of my anger balloon. I want to be acknowledged. I want to feel that the thing that I am angry about is justified. That I am indeed right to be pissed off. I want my feelings to be validated. I want to be heard. I want to be understood. Sometimes I over react. I allow a situation to spin out of control. When the shit hits the fan, and it always does, I am stunned. Caught with my eyes half closed. Will I ever learn? probably not. I am one of those hopeless romantics certain that tomorrow will be a better day.

I have too much faith in people. Trust in someone other than yourself and time and time again people let you down. Truth is I let myself down. Why do I expect more from others? I am a WANTER. I want to be happy. I want to be believe. I want to be someone other than who I think I am. I want money( who doesn’t). I want to be wanted. I want to be loved. I want to be the best example of me that there is but all of these wants are of a dream of unattainable desires that I don’t know how to acquire and sadly, even if all my WANTS came to fruition, I wouldn’t know what do with them.

Wanting is not a bad thing in small doses. Growing up I just wanted to feel safe. I have a hard time relaxing. I mean really relaxing, living in the moment. Whatever that moment is: joy, sadness, great conversation. I am always on guard, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Looking over my shoulder, waiting for the wind to change directions. Something wicked this way comes… Mom is in a bad mood. Hide your prized possessions. Be careful what you say. Walking on eggshells. Uncertainty is a difficult feeling to let go of.

I am an adult with my own life. My mother passed away almost eight years ago. My father is living in a nursing home. For the first time in my life I have no responsibility to anyone but myself. I made it my job to ensure everyone else’s happiness yet I never mapped out a plan for myself. I didn’t realize the prison I made for myself had a key. A way out. This whole time I had this key with no idea what it was for. The time has come for me to free myself from false expectations. I hold onto beliefs of myself that are simply not who I feel that I am.

I loved the MTM show in my youth. I often sing the theme song, maybe it is time I learned to follow my dreams = )

Who can turn the world on with her smile?
Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?
Well it’s you girl, and you should know it
With each glance and every little movement you show it
Love is all around, no need to waste it
You can have a town, why don’t you take it
You’re gonna make it after all

The road to happiness is a journey many start but few finish. It is a state of mind, not a destination. Embrace who you are and learn to celebrate the wonder that is YOU.

Bed Time

October 6, 2014October 6, 2014 kidtrishLeave a comment

One day it just happens. You wake up and realize that Mr. and Mrs. are in dire need of a new mattress/box spring. Hell, why not spring for a real bed instead of just using an old frame? Claim grownup status once and for all and for GAWD sake buy a flippin’ bed.
The realization is simple the choice not so. Mr. and Mrs. are not small people. We both snore, me more than him. I know hard to believe but sadly so true : ( We have different support needs. Hubster leans more to a firm/extra firm. I want softness to the touch yet firmness for my saggy old lady bones. Extra firm is “to lay on a board feel” for me.
We haven’t even broached the money aspect of it all yet. I can’t wait until we start discussing price versus needs and wants.

I have always wanted one of these. I don’t need it but I would love one. A hobbit house = )

Pretty soon it will be tax season and if Uncle Sam is good to us this year and our bedstead does not break betwixt here and then we will have a new bed. Maybe.

Good night

It’s Sunday Morning

October 2, 2014October 2, 2014 kidtrishLeave a comment

For the first time in months I have been allowed to sleep in. Somehow my hubby most have gotten engrossed in a book or is playing a video game or he might even be watching TV. Harder still to believe that my phone did not jolt me awake at 6ish a.m. with a barrage of questions from my Dad. I roll over still hazy with sleep. I can sort of see through my blurry vision that it is 8:27 a.m.! Hard for me to believe it is really this late. Ever wonder why the morning muscle stretch feels so damn good? I don’t know either but what an awesome way to start a day. As I stretch out my limbs the phone rings. I reach over to grab the cordless from the night stand. I don’t even have to check the caller ID I know it is my Dad. “Trish?”
“Yes, Pops.”
“Did I wake you?”
“Nope. I just woke up, the cat was letting me pat her so I was lounging in bed. What do you need?”
“What day is it? Sunday?”
“It is. Did you take your pills this morning?” I can hear him open the cabinet door. “Wait a minute. I’ll do it now.” He puts his end of the line down. I can hear the fridge door open. I yell into the receiver,” drink water!”
“Water?”
“Yes, water.” After another minute of me trying to hear over the phone what is going on in my Dad’s apartment, from across the city, he picks up his line again. “Mission accomplished.” I can almost see him smile his goofy smile into the phone. ” Are you coming over today?”
“Yes, Dad. I come over everyday. But, first I need coffee and breakfast and a hot shower.”

Before the Parade Passes By…

September 23, 2014 kidtrishLeave a comment

… before it goes on and only I’m left.

I am uncomfortable around peaceful silence. The beauty of a calm day. The no worries of the Saturday morning you have waited all week for. Problem is; I don’t know how to relax. Sit in the sun, watch clouds, enjoy my surroundings. I grew up never being able to have normal adventures. I was raised in the 70s. My father was the only source of income. We could have had a comfortable life but that is no even close to what happened. I am not complaining. I have a head full of wonderful memories but it is also clogged with bad memories. A slap across the face is remembered a lot longer than a kiss on the cheek. Truth

I know normal is not a reality for most people. Are we as people too dysfunctional to grasp normal? We all want “normal”; but ,our own version of it. It is a odd concept. What is it based on? life experiences averaged out? I don’t know this answer. Normal for one is abnormal to others. It is also why everybody’s normal is different. I decided today I am no longer striving to be anything than what I already am.

I have wasted so much of my life trying to conform to an image I have of WHO I think I need to be versus the WHO that I am.

The WHO that I am? On any given day a hot mess or a princess or a worry wart or a wife, a friend, a confidante.

notsolargemarge

The mad ramblings of girl lost trying to become woman found.

Category: Ramble On