Category: Ramble On

I don’t why but I felt the need to…

A Girl Named Fox

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Have you ever been someplace that vibrated from the amount of admiration, respect or love for a person? I mean for someone who isn’t a rock star?  I witnessed it up close today for a man I have never actually met.  Two minutes in a reception line does not indeed count, nice try. The number of people I actually knew at the benefit was less than fingers on one hand yet I didn’t feel at odds. I was awed today.

I went to see a girl named Fox today. She is dear to me in ways I can not list here. She has a way about her that makes you feel that you are a better person just for having known her. Recently her family has been through some real crap moments due to an illness of a loved one. I have been worried about her. A true friend is someone who wants nothing from you but everything for you. I want all the awesome things about life to be there for her and her family but I can’t promise these things or even fix the stuff that is wrong. It breaks my heart. I wish I could take all the pain, fear and doubt away. I can only give of my heart, my hopes, and my support. I jokingly tell her she is part of my Framily, but I mean it. You are blessed if you can say that you have family and friends in your life that care about you; the whole of you.

I hope you and your family felt the love today.

Did You Ever ?

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Did you ever think you’d be where you are at this moment? Did you ever look into the clouded sky in the middle of a hectic day and cloud surf? Did you ever want to leave the circus? jump a new ride, dream a new dream? just BE any place but where you are. I have had a searing headache for two days. Brought on I am sure from lack of sleep and high levels of stress. In my younger days I would have simply shut down, packed it in, lived everyday apart from the people in my life, my emotions, needs, and desires put on hold. I had no room for anything but ANGER. Anger is hurt and disappointment in an ugly dress. I am frustrated. I don’t know where or who to turn to. I am so very tired. And I am so sad…beyond sad.

I blog as a way to deal. I don’t need to be saved and I loathe being worried about. I have a dark side. Surprised? People think they “know” me but they don’t. I like it that way. Never willingly give someone else the upper hand by showing all your cards ; ) keeping people a tad off balance does me a world of good. Keeps them on their toes. I hate to admit it but my kid sister was my equalizer. She had a way with me when I got stuck on the dark side hating the world.

Did you ever want to see yourself as others “know” you? or is it all a pointless exercise based on concept of self that you are unwilling to own? People can be cruel often under the guise of helping make you a better person. I think I like not knowing how others see me considering the way I see myself change with the wind.

I still cloud surf. I still dream a new dream once in awhile. My breath still catches when unexpected beauty or love crosses my path. I still believe in magic : ) …and my headache is gone.

Look past the mirror, look at your soul – love yourself. You are beautiful!

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As I get older, which I HATE BTW, I feel like I have lost my inner child. Odd? I know but it is the way I feel = (
I am 50 (FUCK) and for the first time in my life I am faced with the knowledge that bucket list or no there are things I will never get to. In all honesty I have been really down. Just when you have yourself believing there is more rain than shine something draws your eye, your breath catches in your throat, tears begin. The thought that somewhere there is someone reaching out trying to help makes you realize that all is not lost. There are people who try to make the world a better place just by being kind.

Encouragement can come from the most unexpected places. I had a really bad day but this

via Look past the mirror, look at your soul – love yourself. You are beautiful! @SFTSorg @KseniaSolo.

made me feel like I am Okay.

Would She Know Me?

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My Birthday wish can never come true. Every year I wish for you.

I am a little less than I used to be around the middle. My hair tinged with strips of silver and grey. I smile but it’s mostly for show. My eyes don’t sparkle from glee. I haven’t really been me.  Would she know me? It’s hard to say. I have gotten older yet she has remained the same.

Would she know me? I miss her smile and that wicked laugh. I miss her honesty and her messed up past.  I dream of her often, wonder why she had to go. Would she have left if she knew I needed her so?  Today is my birthday and I am more than a little blue. I miss my kid sister but there is not a thing I can do. Love is a magical thing. That makes you feel light as a feather. You can kick the world’s ass as long as you stick together.

Would she know me?  My heart could find her in one beat. I always knew when she was in trouble and needed me. I knew even on that day but I ignored that gnawing in my soul. I was trying to be in my life. She needed me that day. I could hear it in her voice when she called but I chose my life. There’s always tomorrow, right?

Life slapped me. It hit me hard. There are no tomorrows for us. I will never be the same. I am in my life but there are days like today when I feel more dead than alive. Love is magical but it can also be quite cruel. When it leaves you it leaves you. No words to say it is just gone like a shitty rainy day.

Would she know me? I think she might after all I got to be her big sister so I MUST have done something right.

Leap of Faith

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You know that feeling you get after a  rain storm? The inhale of optimism, like anything is possible. The air smells fresh and all the grime has been washed away from the sidewalks. I have been like a raincloud overburdened with debris waiting for the right moment to unleash all and start anew.

I shut off the alarm early. I wanted to go back to sleep but that little voice inside my head was shouting, ” leap of faith, leap of faith, leap of faith.” I have been rolling around ideas in my little grey space for a while. I have lost belief in myself and the power of changing the things that need tending to. I let it happen. That shit stops now. I am my voice.

Choices made, I leave my house and drive to my new meeting. I feel a rush of confidence wash over me as I pep talk myself, push open the door and walk in. I know one of the weigh-in ladies. I CAN do this. I was only going to weigh in but that little voice was shouting” leap of faith, leap of faith” so I stayed. Mother Nature in concert with my decision opened her skies and the rains came down and I felt a wave of optimism I thought I had lost. Funny thing happened on the way to being disappointed I was inspired instead. Timing is everything. Right time, right place.

 

Real Life Gets in the Way

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Recently I haven’t blogged very much. No, I am not bored, duty called. I am my Dad’s primary care giver. He is not in great health, is nearly blind and has dementia.  Every once in awhile LIFE (that bitch) throws us a curve ball and I am forced to think on the slide. I do my best to run two households. I shop, clean, do dishes, meal prep, pay bills, run errands, and attend to everything else that pops up, blows up or stops working. Sometimes my circuits overload and I STOP functioning.  Fact of Life.

Dad passed out March 30th. I called 911 after he passed out on me the second time. Did I ever tell you just how much I hate ER departments?  Imagine if someone in our lovely government had to WAIT for endless hours before they were seen? Big changes would soon follow I am sure. Anyway I had no idea what might be wrong with Dad but after many hours of waiting I was (we were) told that Dad had an UTI. He was going to be admitted, medicated and hydrated.  I went home for some much needed tears and sleep.

Dad’s initial hospital stay was 3 days. I say initial because shortly after the hospital discharged him into my care I had to return him to the ER. I knew the moment we climbed into the Jeep something was really wrong. I mean wrong not because Dad was swaging a Foley cath either. He was hallucinating. It has been a few weeks but Dad is on the mend. He is home again. I am trying to get outside help to come see him while I am at work. Hopefully I will have that up and running for him soon. If it all works out he will meet new people and I, I will have the occasional night off . Things now are happily getting back on track.Yippee

I feel badly sometimes that I blog as a way to vent my frustrations. I might, to the occasion reader, seem gloomy and/or depressed. I assure I am not. What I am is OVERWHELMED some days.  I need to start posting the great things and not just the things that tweak me. There are moments that need to be shared that show the better parts of my life and who I am. Not for you but for me so that when I re- read some of my missives I may see that there is more to me, to my world, to my Dad.

Stay with me I promise you lighter days filled with laughter and song and not just because weed is legal (for medicinal purposes) in Massachusetts. = )

…And in case I have never said it before THANKS for reading and being there.

 

 

 

Oubliette

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I am sitting at my laptop staring at this blank screen. I am at the bottom of an oubliette and the rain is coming down, down, down. The open sky mocks me. I am trapped in a dungeon of my own making. Sometimes I want to get out, sometimes I just want to be forgotten.   Mostly I am weary, worn down like a old pair of favorite sneakers that have seen much better days.  I am not depressed just done. I want to be able to move onto other things but there is no one else to take care of my Dad. I do my very best to be everything he was for me…provider, protector, care giver. The problem is there  isn’t enough me to go around. I am so busy doing, doing, doing for Dad and my hubby there is no me anymore. Who am I ? What do I like to do? When is the last time I cared about taking care of me?

I am trapped by a routine I created. I make the same bad choices over and over. Every morning before my feet hit the floor I sit on the edge of the bed thinking,” today will be different. Today I will be good to Trish. Today I will enjoy the people around me, in my life. Today, Oh fuck it ! Today I have to jump in the shower, rush through my morning to make lunches and coffee. So I can rush out the door to a job I out grew years ago. Day after day, year after year my life changes very little.

Some people take comfort in this slow, methodical existence. I hate it.  I know that I am responsible for my happiness; however fleeting that might be. I can get out of this dungeon if I choose. Hell, who knows maybe after ONE good night’s sleep I will conquer these fortress walls and be free to pursue dreams unrealized, or not.

As a child I believed in endless possibilities. I knew who I was. I had a level of confidence that was unmatched by any fear I may have felt. Why did I have to change?  The innocence of childhood should have an escape clause for disenfranchised adults. A pass for a do over.

On my evening drive home from Dad’s I lied to myself again about how tomorrow I am going to start being there for me. Hope floats = )

Am I Invisible?

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Did you see that? A blur rushes past and I am not sure what it is I have seen/not seen. Am I invisible? Did that person just talk around me as if I am not in the room? not sentient? not alive? What the hell!?! Ever feel like that? like the person you are on the inside of your mind flies by you? no longer willing to stick around because they’ve been pushed to the back of the line so many times they are not sure they have any value left. Relax I am not invisible or crazy. Even though sometimes I’d liked to be one or the other if only for short spurts of time to get me out of laundry or housework.

There is always someone who thinks they “know” you. Somehow through observation and years of exposure to sides of you, these douche kabobs “think” they KNOW you. It makes me angry. Yes, I may react to certain situations in a scripted predictable way but that doesn’t guarantee the same results time after time. Do you look at me closely? do you see the rage I am barely controlling? would you be so bold if you knew I hated you enough to cause you harm? Most people who “know” me don’t know how dark my dark side is. I like it that way. Not because I am trying to deceive anyone. I am being honest. Each one of us has personality quirks that we are not proud of or want not to draw too much attention to. Isn’t that what make us so intriguing? individual? unique?

Anger is a dangerous emotion to let roam around freely. Perhaps people throw that saying around about “knowing” all about you because they don’t know. They don’t know how to help you through a rough patch. They don’t know how to make you feel safe, wanted, loved. We are all just people floating on the sea of Humanity hoping for a few glimmering minutes in the sun, aren’t we?

Spring is Dangerous

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There’s something in the air. I can feel it. Spring is getting ready to bust out all over the place. I witnessed grass today. Soggy, brown, and gross looking it was still grass. I have never been so happy to see weeds. I was up early and out into the sun of today to run errands before Mother Nature came to her senses and sent more dismal Winter misery. The Spring is dangerous for me. Spring makes me giddy. I suffer from extraordinary wonder that grabs at the threads of my being. I want to dance, sing, be spontaneous, go on an adventure; which at my age can be foolish, dangerous, and if done correctly downright fun. I can hardly wait for the warmth of a true Spring day. I want to be able to shed my heavy winter wear for lighter more comfortable digs. I want to grab my camera, gas up the Jeep, hit the road, find a great walking path and cut loose with nature.

Spring is dangerous. It makes me forget I have responsibilities. Spring. I can’t say it or think it without wanting to draw in a deep breath, hold it for just a sec and dream a little dream. Spring to me is living in the moment. A concept difficult for me to achieve in everyday life. Living in the moment, enjoying what is in front of me, not worrying about what the next important step needs to be.

Again?

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It is a Friday night near the end of February. I am in a hotel room in the pouring rain. I am tired and I just want to go home but I can’t. I am at a gaming convention. I don’t know if you understand what that is but I can tell you that for me IT IS HELL. I don’t begrudge another living soul their happy hour but if this is all you got my heart goes out to you, seriously.

Imagine a football sized playing field packed to the gills with oversized 10 years old trapped in forty year old bodies; and yes, I am being polite. Tables and chairs are strewn throughout the room. Dice are rolled, cards are shuffled, board games and minis fill the room. The person to person chatter sounds like a low pulsing buzz that rises and falls as the excitement in the room spills over the crowd in waves. A roll of the dice from the table in the corner is drowned out by a nearby round of laughter.  All activity in the room is connected and uniquely separate at the same time. People tell me that physics is hard, yeah try a convention.

Bad hair, bad teeth, bad manners, BAD HYGIENE. C’mon people you can just do better than this. Soap and water is plentiful and cheap. Go get yourself some. I like for a person to look me in the eye or at least the general vicinity of my face whilst we are conversing. My breasts can not hear a word that you are saying so for God’s sake, look UP.

I am sorry that you don’t get to interact with members of the opposite sex as much as you’d like to but if you left your parents basement once in awhile you might actually meet someone.

I know. I know I am being unfair but I did tell you I was tired. I am not a gamer;  I married one. Sad story of my life. You can not tell your heart who to love. I love my hubby just not his hobbies. A convention of any type is a great merchandising ploy with the multipurpose of getting like minded people to intermingle, provide entertainment, exchange ideas and ensure a steady cash flow to vendors that sponsor said conventions. Ask yourselves where would a pro sport be without the merchandising? or Harry Potter?